For a long time, I have been a writer. I wouldn’t say I’ve always been one, or known that I am capable of writing decently crafted thoughts and stories, but I can say that I’ve always had an affinity for heartfelt words in profound displays. Though it may come as a surprise to those who know me and my outer shell, I am a sappy, romantic at heart.

I’ve always been drawn to Nicholas Sparks books, dramatic rom coms, and emotional words exchanged in a scene of pouring rain, written in a letter, or shared in the soft glow of a Sunday morning in bed with the person you love. From sad-girl Tumblr posts to Pinterest boards filled with quotes, I’ve hidden myself behind my hard exterior and surrounded myself with musings from beautiful words for as long as I can remember.

When I began to write, mid-high school, I drew inspiration from these musings and poured my heart and soul into whatever I was writing – a school paper, a letter to a boyfriend, a note passed in class to a friend, birthday cards, and journals. It’s the only way I’ve felt safe enough to open a window for others to experience what lies beyond my walls.

I’ve written a million things over the course of my school years, jobs, side hustles, blogs, and relationships – from poetry to speeches to website copy to film documentaries to video scripts to social media to letters to emails to journals and more. Always, adjusting my voice and perspective for different audiences, adjusting the levels of my emotions, and finding the most compelling way to tell the story. At this point in my writing career, I could do backflips with my skills, and write anything in the voice of any person, of any color, of any gender, of any background, in any number of words, on any number of formats.

And I thought for certain, when the time came for me to fulfill my dream of writing a book, it would be just as easy. But it wasn’t – so here’s everything I did and didn’t know about writing a book.

What I DIDN’T Know About Writing A Book

1. It’s going to take a long time. If I had only known this from the start.. I’m quick with my work, and words seem to flow very easily. I put together my book proposal in the matter of a week or so. If you’ve never written one, it’s a lot of work! I focused too much, initially, on “just knocking it out” and letting the outline guide me. I didn’t expect my life to change the story in the way that it did, and I didn’t account for the idea that I would want or need to start over, especially after being halfway through. If I had been a bit more fair with my expectations, I wouldn’t have been so surprised that it would take more than a few months. I also had to come to the realization early on that I would not be working on this book full-time. It’s something I’ve done on top of my full-time job, planning and executing a wedding, two moves across the country, and every bit of life that gets in the way. I’ve had to use a lot of weekends and been willing to say “no” to things with friends to get time writing. On top of that, I didn’t realize how emotional and laborious writing about my own life would be. I consider myself a pretty objective person, who can be surprisingly objective about my life and emotions, but objectivity was the last thing I needed to write this book the right way. I really had to dig into uncomfortable parts of myself, reflect on truly upsetting memories and experiences in the past, and find a way to write about it honestly. The thinking and reflecting and emotions, alone, took more time than the writing.

2. Everything is going to change. Everything I had planned, changed to some extent. Some, more than others. Since I wrote nonfiction, the directive from the publishing industry is to have a book proposal first. In a lot of cases with nonfiction, you can even submit a book proposal for agent review, and in fact, they may even elect to represent your book before you’ve even written it. So, two and a half years ago, I started this project with a book proposal, which had to contain an outline with chapter summaries of the entire book. It made me feel confident going into writing the book because it gave me an outline. But, it also became a hinderance. I kept trying to stick to the outline, rather than let the story flow naturally. And it convinced me that I had a beginning, middle, and end, before I even got started. When my life did a 180 and everything flipped on its head, so did my plan for the book. It was something I didn’t expect, and once I got over the frustrating thought of starting over, I did, and never looked back. I started to accept that things changed in my life, and responded to it with my writing, inviting it into the storyline, and allowing it to change. I learned that when you’re writing nonfiction, especially about your own life, you have to expect that a lot can change and seemingly throw you off course. Embrace it!

3. Clumsiness actually improved my writing. When I wrote my first draft of the book, I felt like I was playing it safe. I felt like my words and thoughts were too clean, too perfect, too “corporate.” In other words, they weren’t gritty enough. My writing began to sound very professionally beautiful, and what I didn’t realize was that it would be beautiful because it was messy. And ultimately, it made my writing more real, more enticing, more addicting. I even took this approach with my storytelling. As an objective reader of my own writing, it’s not a perfect storyline; it’s clumsy, and while that wasn’t 100% intentional with my rewrite, I felt very satisfied with it. The clumsiness is a perfect reflection of my reality and all that I have experienced in the writing of this book. We don’t get to write the script of our lives perfectly, and that’s what I let the clumsiness of my writing portray.

4. That I wouldn’t be afraid to share my work. When you are proud of something, it’s much less intimidating to share with others. Through so much of the writing process, I felt a sincere sense of imposter syndrome. I also struggled with the idea that no one would care, or that my book wouldn’t mean anything to anyone. I was afraid of being judged, afraid of stepping on others’ toes, and afraid of saying something that would make others uncomfortable. All that time of feeling that way, I was sure that when I was finished, I was going to be terrified of sharing my work with anyone, even my best friend. But then I got through it, and when I wrote authentically, honestly, and without fear of making others uncomfortable, I was surprised to find that I was unafraid to share what I had when I was finished. In fact, I’ve been dying to share it with others to get feedback and critique on my work. Being true to your work and your voice and your story will make you feel confident, and ultimately unafraid when it’s time to share it with the world.

What I DID Know About Writing A Book

1. My affinity for romance and profound words would serve me. My greatest hope for readers is that my book will mean something to them; not because I wrote it, but because they saw themselves in the story. Whether they relate to me or Martha, or some version of us that is seen in these pages, I want them to feel like they are seen; that what they’re going through has been lived through before; that there is a way to win in the face of hardship. The greatest way for me to achieve this, is speaking the language that I have always surrounded myself with – language that speaks directly to the heart, that says the things we’re all thinking but afraid to say out loud, that says “you’re not alone in this.” I’ve always been afraid of leaning into the soft version of me that I keep tucked away; luckily writing has provided me an outlet to touch others vulnerably through my words.

2. It was going to be a very proud accomplishment. My follow-through with things is not always perfect, but that’s not why I knew I would be proud. I knew I would be proud because so many people want to write a book, but never do. I knew I would be proud because I knew that writing about my life, and some of my worst days and experiences, would not be an easy task. I knew I would be proud because I would be putting a very vulnerable version of myself on mass display. I knew I would be proud because I knew it wouldn’t just be about releasing, but also healing wounds that I’ve lived with for far too long. I knew this book would change me, my perspective, my community.. and that it would take an equal amount of effort, energy, and dedication on top of the normal chaos of life.. and for that, I am proud.

3. It’s going to be difficult. I wanted to believe that it wouldn’t be – that my writing skills and speed would make it easier. But ultimately, none of that mattered. The moment I decided to write a book about myself and my life, I knew it was going to be difficult. Difficult to remember, difficult to reflect on, difficult to articulate, and difficult to weave into a story that not only honored my experiences, but also intrigued readers. There is so much back and forth in the process – so much second guessing, so much deciding on what to include, what not to include, and how far to develop characters. So much editing, so much scrapping and rewriting, thinking about themes, and creativity. Most of all, I found it difficult to find the time, and when I had a little of it, I couldn’t just jump in and start writing. I had to have enough time to be in a quiet room, become deeply introspective, and search for the source of what I needed to say.

4. Finishing the book will not mean the hard part is over. I knew that writing the book was only going to be half the battle. What does one do on the other side of writing +75,000 words? I’ve spent an incredible amount of time now trying to figure out how to market my book without having it in front of me, finding beta readers and giving them ample time to review and give feedback, all while reaching out to hundreds of book agents, writing and rewriting query letters, and talking to authors and publishers who can offer me advice on how to navigate the publishing and marketing of my work. Just because it’s written, doesn’t mean anyone knows about it or has the desire to read it. It requires social media engagement, building a following, writing blog posts, creating a website, and building a community.

It’s been a labor. I’ve learned so much already, and have only scratched the surface of what is involved in writing and marketing and publishing a book. So if you’re looking to start a book project, I hope you’ll be more prepared than I was to face the time, effort, and commitment to self that is involved in writing your story.